No Qualms, North Dakota.
While the Green Sheep and I were in Las Vegas, I couldn’t stop bitching about the cheesy, surface-y theme hotels, so we started coming up with ideas for better ones. Eventually, we decided that we’d need an entire resort city to put all of our hotels in, a re-imagined Las Vegas with less gambling and more style.
North Dakota seemed like a good place to put it, since there aren’t any grand or flashy places to compete with there, and the landscape is a flat, spare canvas perfect for painting a tourist-town masterpiece on. Sheep came up with our city’s name: No Qualms. Like Sin City, but classier.
But so I want more ideas for theme resort hotels. Can you guys think of anything?
The best two I’ve been able to come up with so far are:
1. Canyon Grandeur. 70 stories tall, shaped roughly like a circle. The entrance is at the top. You drive up a winding, parking-deck-type structure to get there. There’s a giant skylight for a roof. The center of the building is completely hollow, and you can lean over the railing on any floor and see the bottom. A fleet of pedigreed donkeys stands at the ready to take you down to your room (an elevator is also available if you’re in a hurry). The temperature on the top floor is a crisp 60 degrees, and it increases gradually on each of the lower floors until you reach the bottom, where it’s a balmy 82. The bottom floor features a lazy river that people can float down on inter-tubes. Live cacti and sage brush line the banks of the lazy river. Several restaurants and bars are scattered throughout the hotel, as well as a performance lounge.
2. Aspen. A glass-paneled building, shaped like a small mountain range. The temperature in the lobby and halls is always be set at 32 degrees. There are snow machines to make snow throughout the lobby and halls. The most massive utility bills for any one structure on Earth. Man-made inclines throughout for skying and snowboarding. Ski left available to take you to your room. Lots of coffee shops serving cider and cocoa. Several fine restaurants. Live elk! Live snow bunnies! Live fir trees! Three areas with man-made hot springs: one for families, one for old people, and one for sluts.
So that’s the general idea of the kind of resorts we’re looking for. Do you guys have any to contribute?