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Four Things I Have Been Known to Say in Dead Seriousness to No One in Particular about the Weather.

4. “So…so let me just get this straight.  So I pay my taxes and I obey the laws and I give the bums on the street a dollar when I have one, and this — this is what I get in return?  This is bullshit.  I hope the troops don’t know that this is what they’re dying for, cause this is fucking bullshit.”

3.  “This is funny.  This is really fucking funny.  It is so FUCKING FUNNY that Portland thinks I will put up with 88 degrees in fucking APRIL.  So fucking funny.  Well, you know what else is funny?  Me leaving this city and moving to some tiny town in Alaska where it’s never warmer than 60 degrees.  Oh, you don’t think I would do that, do you?  Well, I WILL fucking do that SO FAST it will make your head spin A FULL 88 FUCKING DEGREES.  I will pay TWICE AS MUCH for groceries and fend off invading moose and live half my life in TOTAL DARKNESS just to get away from Portland.  I WILL.  That’s how BULLSHITTY this bullshit it.  Let’s see how livable this town is without my bitchiness to temper all of the free-flowing hipster self-importance.  YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH — I am not self important in the LEAST, and this whole town is going to turn into a SHIT SHOW the very instant I am no longer here to make it awesome.  MARK MY WORDS.  MARK THEM.”

2.  “You know, we didn’t get any snow in December, and I was fine with that.  Fine.  A little disappointed?  Sure.  But I didn’t make a big thing about it, you know?  Just took it in stride.  Figured my positive attitude would pay off come summertime.  But I guess the world just decided to take my magnanimity and stab me in the eye with it.  That’s nice.  Definitely not a big stinking pile of bullshit, no sir.”

1.  “HUH. I GUESS PORTLAND’S JUST UP AND TURNED INTO BANGKOK NOW.   WELL, ALL I’VE GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT IS THAT THERE HAD BETTER DAMN WELL BE SOME TONED SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOYS OUTSIDE READY TO TAKE ME UP THE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS,  OR ELSE THIS IS SOME BULL FUCKING SHIT RIGHT HERE.”

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