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If I Ever Opened a Bar

1. It would be called Andrew’s House of Good Times & Great Oldies.

2. Music would be exclusively Anita Baker, Steely Dan post-Pretzel Logic, the Grace Jones version of La Vie en Rose, and that Hall & Oates’ song Sarah Smile.  Smooth as silk.  Awww, yeah.

3. Wood floors.

4. Rose walls.

5. Wrought-iron fixtures.

6. Low lighting. Candles.

7. Big-ass round column with a fireplace in the middle of the room.

8. Water feature.  Indoor stream, maybe?  Yeah, let’s go with that.

9. All bourbon-based beverages.  All the time.

10. Free focaccia bread for everyone!  Drinking on an empty stomach is the worst.

11. Vegan mushroom soup.

11. No cutsie names for anything on the menu.

13. Heated, glassed-in porch out back.  Lots of plants.

14. 1/2 off your first drink before 10 pm if you’ve washed your hair today.

What about you guys?


5 responses »

  1. dude. YES.

    seriously, that is my ideal bar. i would go so broke spending all my money on bourbon so i could continue to hang out there. although if i asked nicely could we put some fleetwood mac on the track rotation?

    and this on the bathroom walls:

    i will think about my ideal bar and get back to you!

  2. I would live at your bar if you included Ashley’s Fleetwood suggestion. Fa’amolemole.

    If I opened a bar, it would have large, oddly-shaped furniture that looks ridiculous but is actually fantastically comfortable. Cruise-ship type stuff. But not in cruise ship colors. I’m thinking grey. Maybe some emerald green.

    But the glassware. It would all be heavy glass–glass that makes you feel like you’re getting your money’s worth.

    Oh, and all the standard drinks would be $5. Flat. Specials would be $2.50.

    We’d play a mix of the wuss-rock I listen to. But it wouldn’t be too loud, because I really hate when you’re at a bar and the music is too loud for you to talk to whomever you’re talking to.

    There would be a back lounge with an air hockey table. And an escape door in the back of the house for less confrontational exits, except you’d have to buy your date a drink to use it. Then the server could bring them a drink and an apologetic note.

    I’m on board with the whole artisan bread thing but maybe a different kind each day so you could talk someone into going by saying, “come on, it’s ciabatta night!”

    But the main draw would be the side rooms, where you can break stuff for a nominal fee. Like, you could just come in after work, buy a flat of Christmas ornaments, go smash every one of them and then come lay down on an oddly-shaped chaise lounge and have a drink.

    Oh, and we’d be open after lunch for naps. No drinks. No sex. Just $5 to take a nap. Film screenings in the back lounge on Thursdays.

    It’ll be called The Break Room.

  3. saw this, thought of you

  4. you don’t have facebook and the email i have for you doesn’t work…. if you need to get in touch with me email works best but the internet is spotty at best. miss you much, hope all is well, and thanks again 🙂


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