Sometimes nothing else will do.
2 cups soy milk
2 cups wheat flour
1/2 cup cayenne pepper
1/4 cup salt
10 oz crimini mushrooms, washed and cut in half
1/8 cup canola oil
Heat large skillet over medium-high heat.
Pour soy milk into a large mixing bowl. Mix in about 1/4 cup of cayenne pepper. Dump in mushrooms. Let soak 3-4 minutes.
Pour flour onto large flat plate. Add salt and the remaining 1/4 cup of cayenne pepper. Mix with your hands until salt and pepper are evenly distributed. Wash hands; that shit burns.
Add oil to skillet.
Dredge soaked mushrooms through flour mixture until fully covered. Place gently in skillet to discourage oil splatter. Cover pan with lid. Wash hands.
Let mushrooms cook about 4 minutes before flipping. Let cook about 4 more minutes.
Pan-frying these means that you might get a mushy edge here or there, but I don’t really mind that. If you do, go ahead and deep fry them in a pot. I’m just too cheap to waste that much oil, though (“HA!” mocks my Dinnertime post from a few inches down the page.)
Serve these absolutely by themselves. Fried mushrooms possess neither supplement nor compliment. You don’t really even “serve” them so much as dump them onto a plate and devour them before you even have a chance to carry them over to the kitchen table.