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Imaginary plastic surgeries I fantasize about having because my understanding of human anatomy is on par with that of a kindergartener.

1. Cotton balls inserted between eyeball and eye socket to soothe that sore, raw sensation when I haven’t gotten enough sleep. I hate that feeling. It’s at the edge of my consciousness all day long, subtly plaguing every freaking thought I form.

2. Loose cheek skin folded up and stapled up below lower eyelash so those goddamn dark circles are permanently sealed away.  Good riddance.

3. Rigid plastic tube inserted in nasal passage to make congestion impossible.

4. Steel cables like you’d see on a dock attached from spine to the back of skull and to each shoulder, pulled tight to fix posture.

5. Steel plate inserted behind abdominal skin to keep all of those pesky innards from bloating and making me feel fat and out of control.

6. Miniature windshield wiper installed on forehead to continuously clean off the grease which builds up as quickly as I can wipe it off.

7. Body hair vaporized with a motherfucking laser beam.   I don’t care if this one supposedly actually exists; I still put it in the same category with those magnetic bracelets that cure cancer.  It’s just too ridiculous.

Feel free to add your own procedures in the comments.

Here’s another Bobbie Gentry song.  Her phrasing is awesome; it’s like a southern-fried version of Mitchell’s.  Listen when she sings “you may know my body, but you cannot know my mind.”  She manages to incorporate the cadence and inflection of her character’s natural speech while still gracefully riding the melody.


5 responses »

  1. Full body liposuction via vacuum tube attached to the top of my head. None of that uber-painful-looking forceful jamming nonsense. Nose graft…from Liv Tyler’s face to mine. She can have my old nose, if she’s down with that. No more bobble-nose! Also…laser hair removal, breast implants…I have quite a list.

    Maybe I could just trim this shit down and go with a full body transplant.

  2. I think I’d like an extra set of arms, maybe just under my existing arms. Think of how much more productive you could be. Think of all the extra masturbation time.

  3. hmmmm….. what would be the best way to make sure both sides of you are completely symmetrical? because it sounds ridiculous but my right side is fatter than my left no matter what i do and it is crazy making.
    also i would like a nose transplant also; that sounds great, thanks.

  4. Yo ! I want breast implants, too, but in my feet, and then some kevlar skin for the soles, oh yes. Come to think of it, maybe ‘breast implants’ isn’t the right phrase. Whatever.

    **Sigh** multiple arms… the good old days… Perhaps also a small herd of those nano machines …?


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