1. Cotton balls inserted between eyeball and eye socket to soothe that sore, raw sensation when I haven’t gotten enough sleep. I hate that feeling. It’s at the edge of my consciousness all day long, subtly plaguing every freaking thought I form.
2. Loose cheek skin folded up and stapled up below lower eyelash so those goddamn dark circles are permanently sealed away. Good riddance.
3. Rigid plastic tube inserted in nasal passage to make congestion impossible.
4. Steel cables like you’d see on a dock attached from spine to the back of skull and to each shoulder, pulled tight to fix posture.
5. Steel plate inserted behind abdominal skin to keep all of those pesky innards from bloating and making me feel fat and out of control.
6. Miniature windshield wiper installed on forehead to continuously clean off the grease which builds up as quickly as I can wipe it off.
7. Body hair vaporized with a motherfucking laser beam. I don’t care if this one supposedly actually exists; I still put it in the same category with those magnetic bracelets that cure cancer. It’s just too ridiculous.
Feel free to add your own procedures in the comments.
Here’s another Bobbie Gentry song. Her phrasing is awesome; it’s like a southern-fried version of Mitchell’s. Listen when she sings “you may know my body, but you cannot know my mind.” She manages to incorporate the cadence and inflection of her character’s natural speech while still gracefully riding the melody.