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Hey, you guys? Please don’t tell GreenPeace I told you it was OK to litter at nuclear waste sites. The last thing I need right now is a well-meaning Hippy chaining herself to my apartment.

The last non-Accounting requirement for graduation is this throwaway class called “Business Strategy”.  It’s supposed to be a cumulative  course that brings together all of the business class puzzle pieces so you can see how they fit together.  The Accounting department has a similar deal, except that it’s not a complete joke. 

I just got done reading the Harvard Business Review article (The HBR is the preferred course material for business classes with pretensions of substance) that coined the that loathed phrase, “Change the Game.”  It was actually more interesting than I expected.

But so we have to do a big analysis on a company or business unit for our final project, and my group met tonight to discuss which ours would be.  UPS was thrown out first, then Estee Lauder, and I suggested DeVry.  All of these sounded like fun.  Finally, the guy sitting across from me, who had up until that point been Twittering, lifted up the flat metallic device in his hand and said simply “iPhone.”  Everyone lit up and nodded, mesmerized by its glow.


The spell thus broken, everyone turned their attention to the crazy person  with the $20 duct-taped cellular contraption on his desk.

“Um.  My only concern is that the higher-level technology combined with the relative newness of the smart-phone industry may make this more of a challenge than we really want to take on.”  Nice cover, Mills.

The other members agreed that this was a valid concern, and it was suggested that we all do some research, and then email our first and second choices to each other by Sunday night.  I had bought myself some time.

Or so I thought.  By the time I got home tonight, there were four emails waiting in my inbox, all of them indicating the iPhone as choice #1.  “there’s so much information about it out there, and its just so cool!” one of the bastards enthused in hers.  “There’s a lot of information out there on how the Jews in Hollywood faked the Holocaust, too”, I managed to keep myself from pointing out in my reluctant defeat email. 

So here I sit,  trying to find the silver lining in another 8 weeks of hard-core research and discussions about Qwerty keypads and 3G cameras and Android technology, while CameraPigeon draws me a bath and fills my tumbler with scotch to soothe my nerves —  at least, that’s what he would be doing if we had put more of our precious time and energy into developing superior carrier pigeons instead of wasting all of it on godforsaken smartphones and Harvard bullshit speak like “Game-Changing”.  And we wonder why we can’t afford a handbasket for the ride to Hell.


Soy curls are the new It product for Vegans right now.  They’re apparently way better than tofu because they contain the whole bean — kind of like the brown rice of soy products. 

On the one hand, I hate this popular belief that the point of being vegan is keeping your membership in the Self-Righteous Club active by being closer to the cutting edge of healthy-eating trends than your neighbor.  On the other hand…at least they’re something new to eat.  Naturally, they’re about twice as expensive as tofu, but I finally broke down and bought some at the store today.  I’ll let you know how they turn out.


3 responses »

  1. Dude, QWERTY rocks my world, for serious. I can text now without shrieking and misspelling everything, which helps me to keep in touch with people without having to force myself to make a phone call and get all stressed out. A lot of the time I just really don’t feel like talking on the phone, you know?

    And while I totally understand the impulse to Scrouge it, Iphones are actually pretty goddamn cool. The future is now, apparently! TOUCHSCREEN WITH SLIDY-FUNCTION!

    It’s not like they’re Chevy Tahoes or something, they’re not totally egregious consumerfuckwad-bait. They’re no Ford F-350s, or ATVs, or giant goddamn ugly houses in the exurbs. Iphones fit into a smaller, more compact, efficient, and less wasteful way of life. I think they encourage it.

    I know that our time and technology could be better spent, but I must admit that when discussing the fate of the market economy with my very anti-market spouse, Iphones and Ipod Touches were the ONLY justification I could come up with for a continuation of a market economy at all. Albeit a planned, less wasteful and FUCKING STUPID version than we have now, but still. W thinks that I just want an Ipod Touch, and it’s true, but I think my point is valid. This is the kind of neato, innovative shit that capitalist markets are supposed to come up with, not proprietary cable contracts and artificially slow internet. Not tasteless, nutritionless “value-added” cereal food-product. You have constant real-time access to knowledge! You can do your homework online while eating a sandwich, without looking like That Tool With The Laptop At The Cafe!

    IPhones (really the Ipod Touch is better, because what the deuce do you need the phone for if you’ve got internet? And besides, fuck AT&T) are incredibly handy, and fascinating, and complicated, and adorable, and they have such a delightful weight in your hand. Other than the slightly too-small keys on the touchscreen, there are no major disappointments. The Ipod Touch does exactly what it claims it will do, WHICH IS MAGIC.

    Sorry. I know my support for Ipods tends toward the fanatical. But I’m telling you, if you just give it a chance, you’ll see what I mean. The Ipod Touch is highly radioactive, and it’s emitting waves of awesome.

    Also, if you go to, there are a billion interesting articles about Iphone technology, development, and business strategies. I yawn at business but the Steve Jobs strategies are worth looking into.

    I’m with you on the soy curls, though, those sound kind of lame.

    Oooh, Soy Curls product review! With pictures! Please?

  2. I should probably reiterate here that my issue isn’t so much with the existence of iPhones (though my crappy jokes would seem to indicate otherwise), but rather with being forced to talk shop about them.

    It’s kind of like Chess. All growing up, I had this friend who really liked to play chess. I had no problem with this. What I had a problem with was his constant insistence that I learn how to play it. So something that I by and large had neutral feelings toward became a loathed enemy.

    The horse that moves in an L shape when I was 12 = Qwerty keypads today.

  3. O i c. Well, I can respect that. I feel the exact same way about chess, in fact. I had about 1.3 nanoseconds of interest in it, during which time my mother managed to beat me in 3 moves TWICE. According to W that is physically impossible, but it happened, and it sucked. Meh, chess.


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