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Status Updates.

The Work Situation.  All of my cover letters manage to sound both obsequious and blase’ at the same time.  No one is ever going to hire me. 

The Vanity Situation.  There is now a certifiable bald spot at the top of my head.  My dad didn’t start losing his hair until his mid-thirties.  I am 22.  I am going to look like James Taylor by the time I’m 25.  Total strangers are going to expect me to play banal, self-conciously fauxlksy tunes on an acoustic guitar.  This is not fair. 

My Destiny. Don’t Let Me Be Mistaken for This Clown Tonight.

The I Should NOT Have to Endure Seasonal Affective Disorder for Eight Months Out of the Goddamn Year, Only to Be Slapped in the Face with an Unseasonably Hot Summer, Pacific Maritime Climate Zone Situation.  As of 13:10 PST, it is officially five degrees warmer here than in Los Angeles.  Unacceptable. 

The Browsing Census Bureau Data Instead of Trying to Make My Cover Letters Less Appalling Situation.   Portland doesn’t get to form the Combined Statistical Area with Salem to which it is clearly entitled, but Atlanta is allowed to include La Grange in its CSA.   “The La Grange that might as well be a suburb of Columbus, you mean?”  That would be the one, yes.  UNACCEPTABLE.

The Are We Honestly Still Talking About This? Situation  I just stood my dentist up for the 9th or so time this year.  I am not going to be able to show my face in that office ever again.  My teeth, meanwhile, continue their steady evolution into mush. 

Stay Informed; Stay Indifferent: LazyFair Status Updates. 

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2 responses »

  1. I check your blog all the time now because it’s right in the primary spot of my bookmarks toolbar on the laptop, and when you update it’s like all those times I check and there is nothing are worthwhile. It almost makes me want to update mine. Almost.

    Cover letters are a bitch. I always just want to write something simple, like:

    Dear Ms. Jones,

    Please just give me the fucking job.

    Sincerely,

    Erin

    But I’m not at that point yet.

    Also, the more hair you lose, the more head you get. Or at least that’s what they say.

    Reply
  2. What you may lack in hair, you make up for in hairlarious.

    Get it?! HAIR-LARIOUS! Lol!

    See, nobody gets both. You’re funny and clever, and I have hair all over the goddamn place. I have to wear bathing suits with pants. Thanks, Ma.

    You could always shave your head. You would look hot and edgy. The only problem with the shaved-head look is that if you are a pale, slender person (yourself and W), on days when you don’t get enough sleep you look like you may be incubating or recovering from some terrible disease. I have pictures of W to prove this.

    This is a roundabout way of getting to my main point, which is that you looked really great the last time I saw you. I don’t think you are losing your hair. No one can see the top of your head except NBA players!

    I can’t believe that La Grange is included in a CSA with Atlanta. That is just absurd. Why on earth would they do that? Do they really need to inflate those numbers? Is there some sort of funding attached?

    As far as cover letters go, fuck ’em. I’ve never been hired as anything but a warm body with a CNA license–the only cover letters I’ve ever written have been for office jobs and I haven’t had any feedback on those because I’ve never been called back. I just don’t understand what they want. How irritating and pathetic should you be? What are the rules?

    Reply

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