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Monthly Archives: November 2008

A Pigeon Would Also Probably Make Some Sort of Effort to Alert You to the Fact that You Were About to Inadvertently Drown it in the Washing Machine. (Yeah, I’m still not over that. I loved that camera.)

I have been so exhausted lately making even the minimum effort required to keep everything from going to hell, I don’t even understand it.  I have no patience for school, less patience for work, and dealing with people makes me want to scream.  I’ve silently cussed out each person at work at least once for something laughably minor so far this week, and we’re not even half-way through it yet.

Naturally, this happens when there is a shit-ton of stuff I need to get done.  There are all of these papers to write and customers to attend to and Christmas gifts to be bought and electric bills to be paid, and all I want to do is sit in my apartment and read.  So I’ve been half-assing everything, which makes me feel even more loathe to deal with the next wave of work, and yada yada vicious cycle cliche’.

I am also consistently waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, which isn’t helping matters.  Wanna witness irrational anger reach glorious heights heretofore unseen in ordinary mortals?  Give me a call after I haven’t gotten 8 hours of sleep for 3 consecutive nights.  I guaran-goddamn-tee you will not be disappointed.

I’m making this sound worse than it is.  I’m not really unhappy or anything, just frustrated.

I probably just need to book a rental car for January and then shut the hell up.  Come to think of it, that’s precisely what I need to do.  Well, OK then.  I’ll get on that right now.


The Really Cool Thing About a CameraPigeon (Besides the Obvious, I Mean), Would be the Incredible Blackmail Potential. Think About It. Nobody Ever Notices a Pigeon Following Them.

Earthquake!  This morning.  Oh, yeah.

It’s not the first one to happen since I came out here, but it’s the first one I’ve actually felt.  (The other ones have all occurred in the wee hours, and I’m a heavy sleeper unless I have to piss.) 

Almost everybody I’ve ever talked to out here says that at first, they always mistake an earthquake for a train going by.  And sure enough, my first thought when I began to feel the room rumble was: “Hmm. Train.”  Except that then I remembered that my store isn’t located next to the railroad, at which point I burst out of the cash office and began excitedly asking people if they felt anything. 

Tiny earthquakes are pretty cool.  You hear the distant thundering, but you don’t see anything shaking (which I imagine would add a lot of anxiety to the experience).  You can feel the plates grinding under you, but only if you’re paying attention.  It’s all over in less than 5 minutes, and nothing gets damaged.  So you get all of the natural disaster cred without having to undergo any of the requisite trauma. 

Interestingly, that’s kind of how I feel about Portland as a city: you get all of the respect bestowed upon people who “brave” urban environments, without ever being in any real danger of anything beyond half-heartedly aggressive pan-handling. 

I’ll be bitching some more about school next time.  Don’t sigh like that.  It’ll be funny this time, I swear.

Someone Please Ban Wikipedia Before I Have to Drop Out of College for the Second Goddamn Time.

I’ve been working on this stupid Marketing Project for about 35 minutes now.  It basically entails doing an analysis of the iPhone’s competitors, which unfortunately entails gaining a rudimentary understanding of smart phones and the technology behind them.  

My phone cost $20.  I couldn’t even tell you the brand without looking.   Every time I hear friends and colleagues discussing wireless platforms and camera phone specs, my first impulse it to run out and buy a carrier pigeon.  (Typing this just now caused me to seriously think about the issue.  I have to admit that, if someone were to design a pigeon with a built-in camera, I would probably be OK with people discussing those specs in front of me.  But that is a very special case.)  I am happy to use technology, but not if using it means I have to think about it.  And I sure as hell don’t want to talk about it.

Except now I have to think and talk about it in order to graduate college so that I can someday make it above the poverty line. 

Stupid Business School curriculum.   

Okay. I’m looking at my cell phone now. It is a Samsung, apparently.

Anyway, I have to research Apple’s competitors for this project, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past…43 minutes, now. You wanna know what I’ve found out thus far?  That Hartford has a larger metro population than Oklahoma City.  I didn’t see that comming, at all.  In fact, Hartford actually has more than one million people.   This news is blowing my mind a little. 

Stupid, distracting Wikipedia and its awesome Census data.  I’m gonna fail this class, now. 

On the bright side, though:

I had my first accounting exam on Thursday.  We were allowed to bring a 4×6 notecard and a calculator.  

 So Thursday evening roles around, and everybody files into the lecture hall clutching their $200 graphic calculators and completely scribbled over notecards as if they were peculiarly rectangular rosaries.  Everyone immediately sits down and begins reciting cash flow statement procedures to themselves. I amble on in behind them, armed with a shitty cell phone calculator (on which the decimal point feature is frustratingly disabled), and nothing else. (“Oh, yeah.  We’re supposed to have a notecard. Whoops.”) 

I got the second highest score in the class.  It would have been the highest, had I actually used the shitty cell phone calculator instead of trying to do the math in my head.  Simple addition is my academic Achilles heel.  

But so my point is this: all the 4×6 notecards in existence cannot make you proficient at financial reporting, fools. (Nor can they make you as inept as basic arithmetic as I.  [Nor as proud to be using the word ‘nor’ properly.  Nor as unable to stop myself.  Shut up, Andrew.])  

The Wayward E and leaves Oregon for Georgia tomorrow.  This is blowing my mind even more than the Hartford thing, which is saying something.  She was here when I got here, and I always figured she’d be here when I left.  In my mind, Oregon is where she lives; I’m still just visiting her here.   This state was barely even on my mental radar until she moved here. 

So this week’s YouTube video is dedicated to you, Wayward.  If ever you should find yourself despondent, making that lonely, high-speed trek down Buford Highway at 3:30 in the morning without really understanding why, blast this on the stereo, and remember the good times.  And know that I’ll probably be doing the same on Lombard.  Except I’ll be walking and getting rained on.  Suck.