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Well, hello.

So I went the entire month of June without posting, which is a first for this blog.  My goal for blogging has always been at least to do one post per month.  So on the one hand, I’m dissapointed in myself for dropping the ball; on the other hand…eh.  Better that I spend my time doing shitty business school homework so I can try and actually finish something that I’ve started for once.   

Anyway, in the spirit of temporarily avoiding shitty business school homework by thinking up stupid crap(a la “The Gentlemen”), that might have been kind of funny had it been put in a screenplay about 10 years ago or so for some dumb-ass straight-to-video comedy, I present to you:

A REALLY CLEVER WAY TO GET YOURSELF SLAPPED IN THE FACE WHEN A LADY FRIEND RETURNS FROM THE BATHROOM WHERE THE SINK’S ERRANT FAUCET STREAM HAS SPRAYED THE CROTCH OF HER PANTS.

“Is that Niagra Falls hiding out in your panties, or are you happy to see me ?”

I further present:

A SORT OF CLEVER WAY TO TAKE YOURSELF TO TASK WHEN YOU TRY TO JUSTIFY MAKING UP JOKES THAT ARE IN POOR TASTE (INSTEAD OF DOING YOUR SHITTY BUSINESS SCHOOL HOMEWORK) BY TELLING YOURSELF THAT MAKING UP BAD JOKES IS PROBABLY AT LEAST AS INTELLECTUALLY ENRICHING AS SHITTY BUSINESS SCHOOL HOMEWORK.

“That may well be the case — but until PSU starts offering a BA in One-Liner Studies, you’d best suck it the fuck up and do your goddamn Organizational Behavior Case Study, Woody Allen.” 

Yeah. So that about sums up all of my accomplishments for today.  I tried to go to an open house at a 1-bedroom apartment on Hawthorne around noon, but there were already about 12 people lined up outside the building when I got there, all of them hipsters, so I got back on the bus to downtown and updated my blog to try to ease the feeling of hopelesness.  Even with an awesome credit score and good references, I can’t compete with the Hipster’s charms, that’s for sure.  I can’t even bring myself to appreciate creatively ironic facial hair — let alone to cultivate any. 

Georgia was a pretty good time despite the weather.  I took some pictures, and I will post them later this week.  I drove up and saw Brasstown Bald, and then thought some about how appropriate it was that I didn’t ever bother to see the highest point in the state until after I was no longer a resident.  These are the things I do when allowed to have a car all to myself.  Besides listen to a shit-ton of Linda Ronstadt, I mean.

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10 responses »

  1. You’ve really just gotta find the right place on Hawthorne. Hipsters are abundant, it’s true, but there are pockets of decently priced places that remain to be found. It doesn’t help that the rental market is completely overwhelmed right now. Our next-door neighbors moved out at the beginning of June and our landlord showed the apartment to no less than 20 people in a two-hour span the day after. It was moved into two days later.

    That said, good luck in your hunt for housing!

    Reply
  2. Sorry…I’ve always wanted to do that. I don’t actually have anything valid to say, except that I’m glad I can text again.

    Reply
  3. What the crap? I was first, at one point. My life sucks.

    Reply
  4. I laughed SO hard at the first way to get slapped in the face. I can’t wait to try it out myself.

    Reply
  5. I might just throw a bottle of water on someone just so I can use it.

    Reply
  6. i went june without updating as well! don’t feel too bad.

    not too much to say, because i just saw you. because i live in oregon.

    my favourite oneliner anyone said to me, ever, is the one that went like this:

    have you heard about the fat polar bear?
    he broke the ice.

    haha! i should have given that guy my number 😉 he passed oneliners 101 with flying colours. 🙂

    Reply
  7. aaaaagh too many smiley faces!

    Reply
  8. He wasn’t really cheating. They’ve been separated for some time now. He went on the cruise with one of the girls he was arrested with.

    And I still love him. I don’t know that he could very much that would make me feel otherwise.

    Reply
  9. So, if Brasstown Bald is the highest- what’s the lowest? The Okeedoekee Swamp? The bottom of the Providence Canyon Gorge? (Only in Georgia would you find a State Park encompassing as its natural wonder an erosion gully that kinda sorta looks like the Grand Canyon, if you squint, or are very very very drunk and have only seen picture-postcards of the Grand Canyon that some relative sent back on their way to Oregon after they escaped.)
    And you’re right–anything, absolutely anything, is better than working on Organizational Behavior homework. May I suggest? Take, for example, a plastic bag out of your freezer, preferably one with LeSewer petite green peas in it; microwave them until they are shriveled up little hard, greenish-brownish enedible things. Take them to your friends’ houses and scatter them around the bathroom floor. Accuse them of having a hidden nest of giant cockroaches, and that the little greenish-brown things on the floor are the proof being giant cockroach poo. Swear that you saw a 4″ long antenna poking out from somewhere dark. Watch the mounting terror and panic in their eyes. Realize that you can never ever tell them the truth.

    Reply

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