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Oh.

So y’all remember that National Coming Out Day paraphernalia I got from Human Rights Campaign a couple of months ago?  And how I thought it was some one’s less-than-subtle way of encouraging me to come out to my dad? Because I’m not a member of Human Rights Campaign, and why would they know my work address?

 It turns out out they know my work address because I gave it to them when I became a member of Human Rights Campaign.

 Whoops.

I’ve been getting these emails from “Joe Solomese” that I thought were spam for months, and I finally opened one today, and Joe Solomese is apparently the man in charge at HRC.  I probably signed some petition of theirs at one point, and signed up for membership without thinking about it.

I kind of feel like I need to get off their mailing list.  I’m not really comfortable associating with them after they continued to support the Hate Crimes bill once transsexuals had been eliminated from it.  I’m still considering getting those “Not without my Trannies!” buttons made.  We’ll see.

 —

But so while we’re on the topic of mysterious mail, I got a mailer filled with confetti today.  Nothing else.  Just a note saying “Hi!” written on the inside.  No return address, either.  The postmark says “North Metro Georgia”, which is meaningless.

One thing is clear, however: whoever sent it has spent enough time around me to know that I’m ruled by my infantile desire for instant gratification, and can’t stop myself from ripping into things (gifts, bags of food, and of course mail) with ferocious abandon.

So now there’s confetti all over my living room.  Awesome.

As per usual, my first guess as to the sender was Erin, but the “Hi!” isn’t really in her handwriting.  And I don’t think Ashley would do something like that; she only likes to torment me in person.  And Ms. McDaniel doesn’t send me things that aren’t practical, readable, or edible.  I’m at a bit of a loss.

If any of you would like to confess, feel free.  All will be forgiven.  I just need some closure.  And possibly a new Dust Buster, if you’re feeling especially guilty. 

M, who’s on maternity leave, called today to tell me they think her water’s broken, and if it is she’s going to come in later in the week to pick up her last paycheck and show us her son.  If not, she just wants us to mail the check to her.

I really want her to call up tomorrow morning and say “Well, got THAT taken care of.  See you this afternoon!” Just because M’s hardcore like that.  I really miss working with her. 

I kind of hope she lets me hold her baby, too.  I’m just so glad he’s going to make it out alright.  Best of luck to you, Spawn-of-M.  Always be true to yourself.  Only grow facial hair if you’re too lazy to shave — never as a fashion statement.  You’ll just look trashy.

To date, I have only bought one Christmas present, and only because I instantly thought of the recipient when I saw it.  The rest of you are either getting Moonstruck Chocolates, something from the Made in Oregon store at the airport, or Ya Ya’s Herb Flavored Popcorn (the most deliciously seasoned air-popped corn product ever made).  Feel free to voice your preferences in the comments.  Or, if you want all three, I can probably make that happen, too.

People I’m going to see when I’m in Georgia are also invited to select the limited-time-only Dinner-on-Andrew option.  Restaurant of your choice.  Dessert included.  Bag of Ya Ya’s Herb Flavored Popcorn as a take-home gift.  It’s a very nice package, all things considered. 

Ashley, we can totally go to the Sundial if you want.  It’ll probably be easy to get a reservation for the nights between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.  You can order champagne.  I’ll even remember to bring my debit card this time.

I’ll leave you with some music.  This week we’re going to have three songs bound by the common theme of being a guilty pleasure for me.

Song #1 is my favorite Carole King song.  You’ve probably heard it; it was hit way back when.  It’s sentimental to the point of embarrassment, and I always want to cry when I hear it.  The lyrics aren’t exactly profound (best example: “The times you were born in may not have been the best, but you can make the times to come better than the rest.”  Yeesh), but one of the reasons I like this song is that it illustrates how you can have pretty uninspired verse, but as long as you really believe the words you’ve written, and the melody is good, and you really sing it like you fucking mean it, your audience will always forgive you.  Part of what makes music so subjective and difficult to talk about is that the whole is (when it’s good) exponentially greater than the sum of the parts. 

This also ties for 1st with Forever Young in the category of Songs I Think Should be Played at More High School Graduations.  I think it would serve as a really good litmus test to see which moms (read: mine) really care about their kids.  It’s pretty safe to say that all the ones who do won’t be able to stop themselves from bursting into tears when the first notes of this come on.  I feel like really loving your offspring means occasionally being sentimental to the point of embarrassment. 

Be forewarned, though: the You-Tube video for this is a bunch of insipid Mary Cassatt paintings.

Song #2 is just awesome in the most flat-out ridiculous way possible.  Semantically questionable title?  Check.  Super self-important dance beat? Check. Grandiose proclamations issued in French right before the song’s climax? Check PLUS.  Ashley used to work out to this song, and that’s one of the reasons we’ve remained friends for so long. 

The video is even more absurd, because a song like this really calls for an all-out production of a music video, complete with epic story line and special effects.   Instead, we’re offered a sad little performer and her baton.

Song #3 is by the Bee Gees and some Australian girl named Samantha Sang.  I just think it’s a nice Sunday Drive song.  I also respect that is unapologetic for being as 70’s AM as it is.

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11 responses »

  1. No trace of christmas-y feelings this year. Not going to do my bit for the economy, either. Not going to watch Scrooge realize what an asshole he’s been all these years, or Clarance get his wings for fishing Jimmy Stewart out of the river. Nope. Might watch the beginning of Bad Santa, though.

    Reply
  2. I really want one of those “Not Without My Trannies!” I’ve seen websites where you can make stuff like that. Trannie buttons are just what my bookbag needs. W’s got all his Foucault buttons, afterall.

    Reply
  3. SAN FRANCISCO! 2 days left!

    Reply
  4. Turns out this W’s family thing is going to go kinda early (Mike and Coral have to catch a 10pm redeye out of town), so if you still want to order chinese and pack, we could. Looks like W will probably be hanging out with Sarah for a couple of hours. Anywayz, no pressure. It’s not like we can’t pick up chinese food and eat it in the car. For 10 hrs. I think a car full of chinese takeout smells is really the way to start our trip out right.

    Reply
  5. Dude, when you see me I will STILL have a goddamn mark on my forehead. The red spot where the swelling was is still sore and isn’t fading. I seriously think it’s going to scar.

    HELLS YEAH.

    Reply
  6. “It’s not a bindi, it means I’m hardcore.”

    Reply
  7. And Ma, you did too feel Christmas. You always do…you can’t help it. Didn’t it feel like Christmas when you were haranguing me about turning the divinity blue? =)

    Reply
  8. And the whole baby thing. They’re kind of awesome, in a sneaky sort of way. Like, it creeps up on you.

    Tonight my friend Tim showed me a picture of his brand-spanking new daughter (she’s about 2 months old but she was a preemie, so she’s just now starting to look finished) in a little red onesie with antlers on her head.

    And on the one hand, I was like damn, man, the kid hasn’t even got hair. Do we have to do the “dress it up and make it look ridiculous” thing so soon? I used to do shit like that to my cat.

    And on the other hand, I was AWWWWWWWWWWW! And my heart sized up from all the cuteness and I died.

    Reply
  9. That’s how it is with babies.

    Reply
  10. Okay, see, I totally just rocked your comments section. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

    San Francisco!!

    Reply

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